(Humor?)

Since we all like job security, here are some ideas on how to create more calls for the Help Desk/Call Center. Maybe you already know some of these but for review, here we go……

One: Obey the "Red Light". The Red Light is on your phone or it is the overhead status board or it is the ACD status that is a small window on your monitor. When the light is red there are probably quite a few people waiting, or the ones who have been waiting have been on hold for some excruciating time. This is just the right time to rush the current call. Whatever you do, shorten the length of time you would spend with this customer. Don't worry, you can provide more help later when they call back.

Two: Ignore all the gibberish. Those users! They feel they have to tell you everything on their minds and some stuff that happened last weekend too. They can't seem to focus on the problem and tell you exactly what you want to know. Try to ignore the ramblings. You can't think if they are just going to keep talking. After all, they really don't know what they are talking about anyway. Maybe when they call back, they will be more focused.

Three: Jump to conclusions. You have heard the bit of information before. You know exactly what the problem is; now the user is going to tell you every minute detail. It's best to just jump to your solution and send them on their way. If your solution is not exactly the right answer, you can provide another one later when they call back.

Four: Shotgun the problem. When you get one of those problems that you are not familiar with and you know it will take quite some time to solve, just give the customer about five or six really meaty things to do. They may not solve the problem or they may cause the problem to get worse but, "Oh well", at least they will go away for a while. Well, at least, when they call back you will know which solutions didn't work.

Five: What ever you do, don't let them make any decisions about how to solve their problem.  Getting them involved is just asking for trouble.  Sometime they think they actually know what is going on, don't be fooled.  Be very directive and get them to do exactly what you want, even if they don't know why they should perform such a task.  And then when they call back, hopefully they will have not done anything stupid.

Six: Put the users in their place. Sometimes they can be so stupid! Talk to them like they are juveniles so they can get exactly what you are telling them and will finally realize how smart you really are. It helps to throw out terms and acronyms that they don't understand; they get really impressed with how much you know. And, when they call back, they will be more respectful of your time and expertise.

There may be a few more techniques, but these will definitely up the call count and maybe you can get your ol' friend on the team and off that street corner.

Hopefully, you have discovered Rick's attempt at satire.  If you have not already, please read Reduce Calls